Funny Emmett Moments! Post-Breaking Dawn
by JesseDesplat
Summary: Living as a vampire forever can't always be entertaining, especially for prankster Emmett. How many ways will he find to cure his boredom, read inside to find out!
1. Work at McDonalds

"Hi, welcome to McDonalds! How may I take your order?" I asked, suppressing a laugh.

"Hi, can I get a McDouble with Ketchup only please?"

"I don't know, can you?"

Silence.

"First window please." I said and burst into laughter. This was going to be fun.

The woman pulled up to the window, giving me an evil glare. "Hi.' She said, emotionless. Rather than grabbing her disgusting human food, I leaned outside the window and rested on my arms.

"How are you?" I asked her, smiling.

Her eyes widened. "Er…"

"What's an Er?" I asked. "I've never been Er before…"

"Can I just get my food?" the woman asked impatiently. When I didn't move, she became angrier. "I have an important meeting!" she barked.

I turned around, and grabbed the food that the cooks had busily produced. The lady eyed me suspiciously as I handed it to her.

"Don't let the bugs bite!" I smiled as she speed off.

Another order came through.

"Hello, Welcome to the land of greasy, fattening food, how may I take your order?"

There was silence once again. Couldn't anyone take a joke?

"Hello?" a woman asked. Why did so many women want to eat here?

"Hi!" I smiled cheerfully. "How may I take your order?"

"Uh, can I get three large fries, a Bigmac and uh… two diet cokes please?" the poor woman asked.

"Damn, that's a lot of food!" I beamed. One of the cooks eyed me funny, and then went back to cooking.

"Excuse me?" the woman asked.

"That will be 13.75 at the fifth window." I said casually.

"What?"

I said nothing.

"There's no fifth window…" the woman said.

I took the microphone thingy off of my shirt and put it up close to my mouth. "I love you…" I whispered.

"What?" she asked.

I attached the microphone back where it belonged and prepared for the next order. Damn this place smelt disgusting.

When the lady pulled up to the window, she gave me a glare. "Can I speak to your manager?" she asked bitterly.

"Yeah, just one sec." I said and began to take a man's order. He wanted two twenty piece chicken nugget meals, and pepsi.

"Okay, do you want fries with that?" I asked.

"Nope." He answered.

"You sure? I hear the fries here are good." I said. The impatient woman sat in her car, eyeing me with a confused look. I reached over and grabbed the contents of her order and handed it to her.

"No sir, I don't want fries." The man said politely.

"Please? Do it for me…?" I begged.

"I don't want fries." The man answered back, growing impatient.

The woman in the car grew angrier. She threw her hand up, losing patience. I tossed my hand up, blowing her off. She hissed angrily and sped off.

"Please! Please get fries! For me?" I begged the man to get fries.

"Fine, I will." The man caved. I had to rip the microphone from my shirt so he didn't hear me burst in laughter.

Now two cooks eyed me curiously, wondering what my deal was. I held my hand up to my ear in a "phone" symbol and mouthed the words "Call me." The winked.

One man turned away, looking as If he would throw up. The other just stared.

When the man came to the window, he watched me cautiously.

"Here you go." I said, handing him his food. He sat it in the seat beside him and pulled the gear into drive. An idea hit me right as he began to leave.

"Wait!" I said. He turned to me with a confused look.

"Thanks for getting those fries. I've been thinking about you all day." I smiled at him. He gave me a disgusted look and rushed away just as the previous humans had.

I picked up my microphone from the ground and pinned it to my shirt.

"HELLO?" A woman demanded, probably trying to get my attention for a while now.

"Yes?" I asked her.

"It sure did take you a while to respond!" she beamed.

"Okay, and would you like honey mustard or regular mustard with that?" I asked her.

"I haven't ordered yet!" she yelled.

"Alright, that will be 18.64 at the first window." I said happily.

"I haven't even ordered yet!" she screamed.

"Oh baby you… you got what I need…." I sang into the microphone. Suddenly the manager approached me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"You busy?' he asked. I could hear the woman screaming through the mic.

"Nope." I shrugged.

"There's a woman at the front counter treated poorly when trying to order." The manager said.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, there must have been a miscommunication between us. I'll work on it." I said.

"Look, I understand it's your first day on the job, but you can't say rude things to people…" he said worriedly.

"K" I winked and went back to the screaming lady.

"Hi, welcome to Burger King, where you can have it _your_ way." I said in a dirty voice. Suddenly the woman rushed through the rest of the driveway, forgetting her order.

"Hello!" I said to the next person. "Can I get a McDouble and two medium fries please? Oh, what the heck! I've been doing good- can I get a SUPERSIZED chocolate shake please?" I asked.

"What?" it sounded like a teenage boy. "Bro, I'm ordering, not you."

"Oh yeah." I said.

He ordered a few hamburgers, and then I gave him the total. "Fourth window please." I said casually. When he got to the window, he was laughing. "Bro! I totally fell for that!" he laughed. "I was just sitting there and-"

"My, my you are delicious!" I said to him and licked my lips. He froze and watched me. The other teenage boy beside him cracked a smile. I made the sound of a purring cat and he just sat there, frozen.

I handed him the bag of burgers.

"Bye honey!" I said in a girly voice as the boy's friend burst into laughter.

"Hey welcome to McDonalds, where you can get a nice ass-slapping. What can I get you?" I asked.

"Oh _hell_ no!" a sharp, high-pitched voice beamed. I froze immediately as I realized it was Rosalie's voice. Suddenly, I heard a car racing up to the first window.

I ducked onto the ground.

"Emmett, what the hell are you doing?' she shrieked angrily.

I stayed where I was. _All_ of the cooks were watching me now. I bit my lip and gave them a shy smile, then bated my eyelashes.

"Emmett, give it up. I can hear your repulsive thoughts clearly." Edward called from the car.

_Crap._ I suddenly sat up and leaned out of the window.

"Hey sexy stuff, you want a McMuffin, my muffin?" I asked, dancing my eye brows once gain.

"Get. In. The. Car." She growled, a stern look on her face. It was that look… _That_ look. It scared the living hell out of me.

I suddenly jumped out of the McDonalds window, tossed my microphone and McDonalds shirt back into the restaurant and then sat in the back of the BMW.

"Thank god you came here when you did, that place smelled like your feet, babe."I joked smirking as I saw her eyes widening in the review mirror.

Rosalie turned around and screamed at me "Just what the _hell_ are you doing?" she yelled. Edward snorted, trying not to laugh.

Rosalie turned to him. "This is _not_ funny!" she yelled.

The whole way home, I got a speech on how Alice saw me working here, and how Rose had to leave a manicure to come and get me. I had to hear all about how stupid I was and how she needs to start keeping a closer eye on me. By the end of it, I'd heard the words, dumbass, childish, impulsive, dumbass, ignorant, dumbass, repulsive, idiotic, dumbass again, even some words that I wouldn't dare say in front of Bella; not with Edward there that is. He growled at that one.

Once we arrived home, I sat in the seat in silence. I wasn't making a move until Rosalie got out of the car. So we just sat there.

"Worth it?' I suggested, pushing it.

"No!" Rosalie yelled, growling. She leaped out of the car out of the car and ran back into the house, her high heels stomping the entire way in.

Edward turned to me, shaking my head. "Your boredom truly amazes me." He chuckled. He stepped from the car and followed Rose in.

"Emmett, get in here!" Rosalie yelled from inside, obviously not finished with her awful speech.

"Coming my muffin!" I said sweetly. I paused for a second.

"Totally worth it." I grinned.

**Authors Note: This is my first one-shot, but don't let that affect the way you review, I want honesty whether it's good or bad so I know how to improve. However, if I get enough positive reviews, I'll make a part two. Perhaps making Emmett a hair stylist! XD Thanks for reading, it means a lot!** **Reviews are deeply appreciated! =)**


	2. Abusing Jasper's Gift

I scratched my chin, not actually having a need to, and stared at the television in front of me. Football season had ended just yesterday, which meant no more hot cheer leaders until next year, and as usual, I was bored. I decided to say so out loud, hoping someone would have some source of entertainment.

"I'm bored." I mumbled, and Jasper groaned from his room upstairs. He clearly didn't like when I was deeply un-entertained, but he was the only one that even took notice to what i said, so he then became my poor victim.

I was in Jasper's room immediately, not even bothering to knock. I stopped at the sight of him and Alice, just sitting calmly beside each other on the bed, Jasper's hands in his lap. A grin creeped on my face.

"And what have I walked in on?"

"Nothing." Jasper said immediately. "Go work at PetSmart or something, now's not a good time."

I grinned, trying hard not to laugh. "Or I could just join you."

"Emmett!" Alice snapped, rolling her eyes.

"Relax I'm joking... but seriously, I am bored." I made a note to mention again.

Alice sighed, looking at the comforter she sat on. She grinned, seeing something we couldn't, and looked up to me then.

"No tricks." I said before she could do something evil.

"No tricks." she agreed. "Jasper here will mess with someone's emotions if you leave now."

"No I won't!" Jasper said, looking to her then with surprise.

"Not now of course." she smiled. "Later." she looked to me then, holding out her hand. "Deal?"

"Hold on, I don't feel comfortable doing this." Jasper said, pulling Alice's hand away before she could seal the deal.

Alice sighed, looking down again. "Fine." she stood up then, exiting the room at human speed.

"Wait- where are you going?" Jasper stood suddenly, then sat back down.

She looked back with an evil grin. "Away."

Jasper growled, taking my hand in his. "Fine. Deal. Now get the hell out of here!" he hissed. Satisfied, I stalked out of the room, winking at Alice as she walked past.

...

"How exactly am I going to do this? Edward will read my mind, can't I just fumble with your wife emotions or something?" Jasper complained as waited for the rest of the family to return from a hunt. According to Alice, they would be here in less than two minutes.

"Just focus on something else. Once you mess with her, I'm sure your thoughts won't be what's on his mind." I grinned, excited to see the outcome. "And you better not let on, or else he'll attack both of us!" I growled.

"It was _your_ idea." He snapped back.

"Shh! They're almost here!" Alice muttered, then went to the love seat across the room and grabbed one of the many magazines stashed beside it on the coffee table. It would take _all_ of our concentration to not slip to Edward what was going on.

Jasper sighed then, and went to sit beside Alice on the love seat. Probably trying to distract himself as well, he looked over her shoulder at the magazine she held. As for me, I just focused on the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders that I wouldn't get to see for another year.

Carlisle and Esme came in then, followed by Edward and Bella, who went to one of the other couches and sat down together. Cheerleaders, cheerleaders with big boobs...

Edward flinched slightly as he heard my thoughts, and I couldn't help but chuckle. Rosalie came in then, looking at me immediately. "Something funny?" she asked suspiciously. Since all the trouble I'd caused recently, she watched me like a hawk.

"Nothing muffin." I said, recalling my job at McDonalds where I'd first called her by the nickname. She went straight to the garage then to work on her latest car project. Too bad she would miss-

Cheerleaders with boobs. She would miss cheerleaders with big boobs. Edward turned to me then, a puzzled look on his face.

I looked to Jasper then, he sighed in response and I knew that it was time.

I sat there, flipping through the channels as fast as the television would allow me to.

"How was your trip?" I asked.

Esme was the one who answered. "Same as usual. We found two mountains lions so that was nice. Thanks for asking." she smiled warmly. "And how was... umm..."

She stopped mid sentence as Bella suddenly threw herself at Edward, kissing him open-mouthed on the lips, moaning. Even Alice looked at her with wide eyes. Carlisle shifted uncomfortably, but Bella seemed to be completely unaware of the awkwardness she'd just caused.

"H-How was your time here?" Esme continued, looking away now.

Edward pushed Bella away then, looking at her as if she were mad. "Bella what-"

Refusing to stop kissing him, she went to his neck then, and kissed him all the way to his ear where she bit him, her teeth lingering on his ear lobe. I turned back to the tv. Cheer leaders... with big boobs... and big buts...

"It was same as usual. Boring human tv." I commented back to Esme, who looked to Carlisle in confusion, as if she were asking him what to do.

Edward pushed Bella away again, the same shocked expression on his face. "Bella, love, what are you-"

"I want you right here, right now." she moaned, then, shocking us all, she ripped her top off, revealing her hot pink laced bra.

Oh god- cheerleaders. Cheerleaders. Cheerleaders in hot pink laced bra's...

His eyes wider than I'd ever sen them in my lifetime with him, Edward took his shirt off, but not to appeal to her. He immediately put his shirt on her, trying to cover her up. He pushed her away again, embarrassed. He turned to us then, already knowing that we'd seen, and we all looked away quickly, trying to act as if that hadn't just happened.

Edward sat Bella beside him, and the poor guy honestly looked like he didn't even know what to do.

Bella grinned evilly and placed her hands in his hair. Her eyes widened then, and she expressed her new idea aloud. "Why don't we do it on the coffee table. Ooh! Or in Carlisle's office-"

Edward gasped then, almost worried looking. "Bella." he growled then. "What has gotten into you?" He glanced at Alice then, giving her a pleading look for help. She simply shrugged, then went back to her magazine.

"Hopefully you're getting into m-"

He stood up then, pulling her up with him.

"If you want us to leave just say so..." I grinned and Edward shot me a glare.

"That won't be necessary." he muttered, pulling her along with him to their room. Bella already had his shirt off and was taking her bra off as well by the time they reached the stairs.

Carlisle just stared after them in utter shock, everyone in the room was deadly silent. He swallowed then, shaking his head.

Rosalie walked in then, slowly. A look of confusion on her face. "What the hell just happened?" she asked, but before anyone could respond, Bella let out a scream, sounding as if she were being turned now.

"Bella took her shirt off and tried to seduce Edward on the couch you're leaning against. Now she's screaming." I laughed as Rosalie jumped away from the couch as if it had tried to attack her.

"O... kay." she said, and went back out to the garage.

I heard something in Edward's room snap, something big like a bed or dresser and I had to hold my fist to my mouth to keep from booming out in laughter. Even Alice and Jasper were giggling on the couch they sat on, clearly not paying any attention to that magazine.

Esme looked to them, hers eyes concerned, then went into the kitchen awkwardly.

The house sat in silence, not a single person speaking. Suddenly, soft footsteps traveled back down the stairs and I readily watched, wondering what would happen next.

Bella came in then, a thin bed sheet with a rip in it the only thing she held to cover herself. "Esme." she said, and she turned to Bella, her eyes wide. "Can you get me a spatula?" she asked sweetly, and Jasper and I _busted_ out laughing. I swear I'd never laughed so hard in my life.

Esme looked at her like she'd seen a ghost, completely shocked. "Umm... y-yes sweety." she stuttered, then walked slowly back into the kitchen. Jasper and I were still kicking our feet against the floor, even Alice was laughing so hard that the magazine in her hands ripped in half.

Almost as if the gods in the sky were on our side, Jacob and Renesmee walked in, smiles on their faces, I laughed even harder, hitting the arm of the couch with my fist, probably breaking it.

They looked at me in shock, curious what about their entrance had been so funny.

Esme walked back to Bella then, a spatula in hand, and gave it to Bella. "H=Here you are..." she stuttered reluctantly, then went out the back door, not wanting to hear what went on with Bella's new 'toy'. Carlisle followed her out, and it was really too bad that he was going to miss out on the fun.

"What on-" Before Nessie could finish her sentence, Bella screamed again, and her eyes widened. "Mom-" she started to race up the stairs, but Jacob held her back, his eyes widened.

"Don't go up there." he commanded, sitting her down on the same couch where Bella had started all of this.

"I wouldn't sit there if I were you." I said, grinning madly.

"Why-" again before Nessie could finish, Jacob lifted her from the seat, flinching in disgust. Her face suddenly went blank as she realized what was going on, then she flinched in horror. "Eew! _Eeeew_!" she groaned, stepping farther away from the couch.

She looked back to where Esme had given her the kitchen tool and her face twisted in more horror. "What was she- Eew! Eew! Gross!" she shuddered, wanting the thoughts to go away.

Jasper and I were laughing so hard now that the arm rest my hand gripped ripped, and fell to the floor in hundreds of pieces.

She glared at me, disgusted. "That's so _gross_!" she squeaked and Jacob flinched again beside her.

She turned to leave when Jasper spoke then. "Oh but you'll miss the best part." he stated and I looked to him excitedly. What more could he possibly_ do?_

Just then, as if to answer my question, Bella rushed down the stairs, the spatula bent in half in her hand. She looked around and as soon as she found me, her eyes widened. _  
_

"Come here!" she said, motioning her fingers for me to follow.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Join us!" she smiled.

"Oh god!" Nessie said, holding her hand to her mouth as if she were going to throw up.

Edward, suddenly behind Bella in just pants, growled at me, "Don't you dare-" he stopped then, his expression growing cold. He turned then to see Nessie's horror-stricken face beside me. Edward reached immediately for the blanket Bella lazily clutched and covered her more, a humiliated look on his face.

"I'm leaving." Nessie stated, turning around toward the door. Jacob followed behind her, still too shocked to say anything. Once hey were outside, Jacob muttered "A spatula for gods sake."

"Shut up! Shut up, shut up!" Nessie said to him, and I heard her punch him.

Edward stared back ashamed. Seeing what Nessie thought, he probably knew more than any of us how horrible that was for her.

Bella busted out laughing then. "Too bad Jake didn't stay, he could have watched!" she laughed, and Edward turned to her, his eyes wide with frustration.

I smiled then. "Did you still want me to join you?' I asked her and Edward shot angered eyes at me.

"No." he growled and turned to follow Bella back up the steps.

"Too bad!" Bella called back over her shoulder.

Finally getting over all the laughing, I sighed. I was actually impressed, Jasper had done a-

Alice's eyes shot up to mine then, a warning glance on her face, but I was too late, Edward attacked me then, both me and the couch I was on flipping over backward.

Jasper tried to sneak out, but Edward attacked him then, pushing him against the wall. His eyes were panicked.

"Edward!" Alice squeaked, trying to push him away.

"If you _ever,_ do that to my wife again I swear to god, I will personally make sure that your _gift_ stops functioning, is that clear?"

I sat up from the fallen couch, watching Edward cautiously. He turned to me then, and his eyes seemed to burn a hole in my head.

"Oh god..." Bella mumbled from upstairs, realizing what she'd done now that Jasper had let up on her.

"The same goes for you." he growled, his fists clenched.

"I don't have a gift." I joked simply, ready to run.

"Then I'll just have to make sure you're left unable to see your little _'cheerleaders' _ever again_._" he growled, making his way back up to his room then.

Jasper and Alice both looked at me, not getting that last part. I just shrugged and pushed the couch back up onto its feet, but it was too torn to work again.

Alice grinned then, biting her lip.

"What?" Jasper asked, wiping dust from the wall he'd been smashed into off of his sleeve.

"He liked it." she said smugly. "He thought that was _hot_."

Edward growled from where he was with Bella, but Alice had already spilled the beans. Jasper and I busted into laughter then, not only had he successfully cured my boredom, but had satisfied his brother and sister... even if it was with a spatula.

**Author's Note: Review for more of Emmett's boredom! Thanks for reading :)  
**


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